Are you ready to die?

I had some thoughts tonight as I was reading the Bible,
Am I ready to die?

I imagined the possible future of being killed for cannibalism that might arise due to future famine, or maybe just plain being killed in the future, or maybe just dying an old peaceful death.
But either way, was I ready to die? Am I ready to die?

I would say no, honestly, 'cause right now in my life, I don't think I am giving my 100% best to God. And if so, how can I dare meet Him already? He'll ask me questions like 'Did you think homework was more important than spending time with Me?', 'You called Me your best friend but honestly, you spent more time with your best friend on Earth' and He'll be right, 'cause homework is not nearly a quarter as important as spending time with God because when I die, I won't be talking to homework everyday for eternity but I'll have my Father to talk to everyday (I hope so :) ). And He matters. He does. And frankly, He knows me so much more than my best friend does, but my response doesn't measure up.

I don't feel guilty for not spending time with Him. Okay no, I do feel a tad guilty. But guilt is not what I want to feel, because it's not a chore or a task. I want to want to know Him just because. I want to want and like spending time with Him because it's like, oh my ice cream, it's God! And it makes me sad everytime I choose something else over Him..

So why don't I not choose something else?
I wish I knew why too...
But I'm so humannnnnnn, if that makes sense..
But I know He'll be there for me, but I also know that He won't wait forever,
And the worst part of all, is that I know.. but I haven't changed.
So I must change. I must change! I must CHANGE! I MUST change!

I should start saying this everyday,
"Father, let's talk." :)

Char Siew Pau.